A Bra and a Gun

My nervous system feels calmer and my Being more understood after sharing a few hours this evening with an old neighbor and a dear friend from Salina.

As we meandered our way through topics of conversation, enjoying the ease of a friendship that has withstood a lot of incredible depths of “cray cray” over the years, he offers, “I feel like I’ve been in a coma for the last few years” as I’d reflected that he felt more present than I’d ever known him to be.

His response lands so fully within my being. Yeah, god, it has been like being in a coma, in a deep thick fog as we continue to heal from and figure out how to live and to be present post the incredibly crazy times of the flood and mudslide that, truly, very few can understand.

“The smell of that mud!”

*memories of gagging at the dank, organic, overwhelming odor of it that permeated every nook and cranny of both the cabin and of my Being*

“Oh, god, right, you *do* get it!!” I respond, my nervous system calming down yet another notch, and we both giggle at the absurdity of us both “getting it” and to alleviate some of the potential heaviness around this topic.

“But, hey, it may have been a bit much when you asked if I could crawl through your living room’s broken window (the only way into the house) to retrieve a bra and your hand gun for you.” (Mountain living, bears, wildlife, you need a firearm at times.)

Ha!! Yup. It takes a very unique friendship for an ask like that.

Tonight serves as a reminder — not a reminder that pulls me down into the heaviness of the past 3 years, or 5 years truly — but a reminder of celebrating that these last few weeks, since the trip of deep R&R to Cuba, have really been like I’m coming out of a coma. I’m much more available to be present with others in a social setting, much less skittish in the presence of those who are graced with not being able to fathom insane levels of crazy; and, I can actually feel my soul settling back into the seat of my Being more, that it’s safe for it to embody this body vessel again.

Celebration. Of the return of life force energy. Of more thriving. As the period of sheer utter holding the shattered pieces of my being together in a very primal survival kind of way fade further into the past.

It’s been a journey. I have hidden a lot of my vulnerabilities because I simultaneously was too scared to and didn’t know how to convey biblical levels of catastrophe to others; and, it felt so incredibly sacred that it was hard to share in a meaningful manner with anyone who had not lived some insane degree of crazy themselves.

I’m waking up from this coma and so incredibly grateful for it while also grateful for the head injury + mudslide/flood combo that has brought so many gifts with the greatest shake up of my life to date.

Things fall apart and turn upside down to create something new. I used to be very set in my ways and stubborn; and, thankfully, I feel like I’m over that and much more in the flow.

So, dear friends and family, I am celebrating the awakening, the enlivening, the I’m so much more ready to be present with you and with myself that’s available now.

The head injury is still present and it’s still on a journey of healing. The mudslide trauma is also healing, and revealing deeper layers to be loved on.

I’m grateful for this beautiful, mysterious life. I’m grateful for the grace of this healing journey. I’m grateful for the mercy and love of so many of you over these years. I’m grateful for your patience. I’m grateful for those who lived through and witnessed the insanity that unfolded and who continue to be in relationship to healing. And, I’m equally grateful for those who did not witness any of it and who continue to show up fully. I’m grateful for the army of angels who continue to hold space and guide gently. I’m grateful for Source, Spirit, God, the Divine, the Eternal (however you relate to it) and its presence in my life.

And, I am so deeply grateful for the intelligence of our breath, our One shared breath, that breathes us, heals us and connected to All that Is.

Yup, it’s been one of those kind of evenings. Thank you. More please

And, yes, I’ll be offering a deepening with breathwork offerings.

 

With infinite love and gratitude,

Me